Sometimes people surprise us in the most unexpected way.
I just got back from Berlin. I went there with five of my friends. Kala, Lila, Marysia, Ćwiku and Kamil. And we had fun. It was amazing.
When I first got the news who'se coming I was a bit scared it would be a bit weird. But it was more than awesome!
But let's start from the beginning...

I went to Warsaw on Saturday morning as I had some things to deal there with. After that I was supposed to meet with Jacek who'se involved in the cold.fm project as well. And to my surprise Krystian was there too. He was supposed to be somewhere else, but all in all we all met and that was a huge achievement :P
I am not going to write what was going on, because to me that was something cool but it would bore you. Sorry.

The next day I met with my dream team on the train station in Warsaw. And fifteen minutes later we were on our way to Berlin. We still couldn't believe it. Yeah, go us!
We talked, updated each other on what was going on in each other's life and so on.
After we got to Berlin and to our hostel (which, by the way, is being run by polish people) we decided we have to change and we are off to see some of the city.
And so we did and we walked a lot and had a lot of fun again and that was how our days were in Berlin. All in all it was amazing. We saw all we had to see, we had tons of conversations. Tons of laughter and we just enjoyed being together.
And Florence and the Machine live were amazing. Something incredible! Especially when you're in the first row, just like we were.

OK, I know I cannot put all this to words, because in my head it is all so great etc. and when I am writing it down it sounds lame... so instead of boring you with more words, I will show you tons od pictures! Sorry ;D

( Postcards from Berlin )

So... we are officially going to Berlin to see Florence and the Machine live on stage.
In the meantime I took some time to be a model for my friend... yes...
Some pics can be find ( here. )

Ladies and gentlemen - miss Monika is having an interview in one of the best radiostations in Poland.
Keep your fingers crossed! The job is mine in 90%.

And yes, I am fine now. Not going to regret a thing.

We finally got a name for our radio!
Cold.fm.
Keep your fingers crossed.
And think of a good liner for it! All the ideas will be taken under consideration.
So... DO YOUR BEST! xD

I do a lot of things lately. I took some advices and I decided to take care of myself. I went to see the doctor and I do have some sort of a bump and it is kinda serious, but nothing they can't manage. But still, I am scared. I do have the right to be so, right?
Anyway - thanks to coffee_mill I look at some things differently. She made me see something inside all this mess I wouldn't see myslef for a very long time. So thank you.
I know I've been terrible to everyone this week, but I apologized to everyone and they understood and they are with me. I am talking about those many people I have around me.
Some new plans, some new projects. Recording new demo as I am going to get back on the radio. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.
And, believe me - I died, but I've never been so alive. How come that's possible?

I think I am cought up in a nightmare. And at the same time I know this is not a dream. Not at all.
Someone I knew for six years, my best friend, just finished our acquaintance. And it happend so fast and so quickly! Sure, I know there was a reason for a huge fight. But not for something like that.
I apologized, told her I know I did wrong and asked for a second chance coz I want to change myself. She never responded to that. I guess she didn't read what I wrote [yes, wrote, because she wouldn't pick up the phone].
Guess everybody deserves the second chance but not me.
She told me I was never her friend. She told me she's erasing me from her life. And so she did.
I'm just surprised how easy it was for her. OK, maybe it wasn't, but I'm saying this as a person, who cares about the people the most, and the rest is behind it all.
We had a lot of good memories together. A lot of fantastic days and trips. And she erased it just like that.
I didn't get a chance to explain. And I thought we were adults.
I just hope that whatever she's doing now, that she is actually happy. And that this decision is really the best she could make.
Otherwise my bad mood and overall existence are now shitty for nothing.
I can't understand it. I know I messed up and I wanted to make it right. I just didn't get a chance. Why? I don't know.
Last year, when she asked me for help in changing herself, I was there for her. This year, when it is me, I didn't get what I needed.
I feel bad. I do. I don't know when and if I will be fine. I don't heal too well.
I know that what I did was partially caused by nerves and fear as before it all happened I found a bump, a tumour on my breast. And since I am in cancer's high risk group I got scared as hell.
I didn't want to tell her that that evening as she was out at her friends place and I didn't want to ruin her fun. As it happened I ruined it all. Yeah, back then I thought we will fight, really hard, but that she will let me explain.
And now I am alone. My best friend left me.
I have other friends. But it is not the same. It will never be. No one knew me better than her. And that's why it hurts so much. Who will write me stupid txt msgs that sometimes made me laugh so hard? Who will tell me stories and give links to great websites?
I lost more than one would think.\
And I am not OK. And I won't be.
And, believe me, if one day she'd like to reactivate our acquaintance or, I don't know, tomorrow she would say something and gave me a chance... I would take it. But she won't. And that what hurts the most.
I died.

I got to the point where more questions are asked than answers given.
I got to the point where I am trying to get everything together, solve the puzzles and not get lost in the meantime.
I feel like I'm on a crossroad. One way or another. Like this is my time to take fate in my own hands. And to top it all - I want things I never wanted before. Like someone switched something in my head or in my heart and my desires suddenly changed.
I'm in a twist of unsureness and anticipation. And if only I knew a few things are the way they are supposed to be, I would change my life right in this moment.
But I guess that I will never know. And that's because I'm a coward and I'm also afraid to ask certain questions. Or one question to be exact.
I'm afraid that I will get hurt and I don't know if I can take that. Right now I think I can't. So yeah, go me.
Instead of solving problems I already have I am creating new ones. Life.

More updates on my life: I cut my hair and right now I look like a fucking cartoon again. And like I'm thirteen years old. At least that's someone told me.
Pics? Sure. Some of them I have  ( here. )

Confused right now.
Relationships are not something I am good at. Shit.
Need to rethink some things. Need to take a break.
Going everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Being emotionally stupid is so me!
Need a new start, a new beginning.
Gotta go.

Two more days at work and I will be off to Warsaw. Our plans changed a little and well, I had to find myself a new accommodation for Thursday night. I will be staying with Krystian weather he likes it or not.

Listening to Interpol again. I love them.

And once again I have muffins desire. Oh no!

Ciko is coming to Sopot. To Binoland. How cool is that:?