smile. it makes the world wonder what you're up to.

the end.

2009-12-14T21:43:08Z

this is the end of this journal.
new one is http://binocentric.livejournal.com
if you're interested in my totally new life, please add me (:
it will be up and running soon.
this post will be visible here until the end of the year. on dec 31st i am going to delete this journal permanently.
so... thank you guys, for everything!

(:

2009-12-09T19:18:55Z

Last few weeks were weird... I mean a lot of good things happened but I also had a lot of time to think about my life and what I am going to do in the future.
So yeah, a little update? Sure.
First thing is I want to move to Warsaw. And I will do it asap. Because I feel bad in my own hometown. And that's not a good sign. So there.
I need to find another job, because this one started to suck and that's not good either.
So yeah, basically I am going to turn my life upside-down.

Another thing - sometimes some things are meant to be, some are not. I'm in a state where I think I started to care too much about one specific person. I believed that it has a chance to be something more than just friendship. But the truth is I don't even know what I'm standing on.
Because I don't have the courage to admit my feelings and what's inside of me. I smile and pretend that there's nothing more in my heart. And then I get hurt over and over again. Because not knowing is killing me. Do I have any chances? That I don't know either. And I can't ask anyone.
All I know is that this someone is helping me in many ways. Trying to motivate me and to get on with my own life, to make my dreams and plans come true. That this person somehow cares about what's going on with me, but that's it.
The rest is unknown.

Anyway - I am on a sick leave right now. Something's wrong with my arm muscles on the left side. I can't get up from bed by myself. My left arm is stiff. So yeah, hello pain!

On the bright side - I know I will get better soon, because despite everything I say there's always someone ready to help me and drag me out of this hole.

The last thing - I am wondering if I should delete this LJ and start a new one so I could totally let go of the past and bad memories.
If so - I need a new login (: help (:

P.S. sorry for not being here and not visiting all your LJs... sometimes life is too hard on me and I run away from everything.

Berlin.

2009-10-16T19:55:07Z

Sometimes people surprise us in the most unexpected way.
I just got back from Berlin. I went there with five of my friends. Kala, Lila, Marysia, Ćwiku and Kamil. And we had fun. It was amazing.
When I first got the news who'se coming I was a bit scared it would be a bit weird. But it was more than awesome!
But let's start from the beginning...

I went to Warsaw on Saturday morning as I had some things to deal there with. After that I was supposed to meet with Jacek who'se involved in the cold.fm project as well. And to my surprise Krystian was there too. He was supposed to be somewhere else, but all in all we all met and that was a huge achievement :P
I am not going to write what was going on, because to me that was something cool but it would bore you. Sorry.

The next day I met with my dream team on the train station in Warsaw. And fifteen minutes later we were on our way to Berlin. We still couldn't believe it. Yeah, go us!
We talked, updated each other on what was going on in each other's life and so on.
After we got to Berlin and to our hostel (which, by the way, is being run by polish people) we decided we have to change and we are off to see some of the city.
And so we did and we walked a lot and had a lot of fun again and that was how our days were in Berlin. All in all it was amazing. We saw all we had to see, we had tons of conversations. Tons of laughter and we just enjoyed being together.
And Florence and the Machine live were amazing. Something incredible! Especially when you're in the first row, just like we were.

OK, I know I cannot put all this to words, because in my head it is all so great etc. and when I am writing it down it sounds lame... so instead of boring you with more words, I will show you tons od pictures! Sorry ;D

Przychlast Company as in Krystian and I in action, new cell phones, ajajajaja, lansssss :P

- Do you understand?
- Yeah... Until now I did.

After the whole day of wandering around Berlin we were cold and tired, so we decided to hit the mall for some warmth and relax. But guess what? No benches there... So Ciko and I sat on the floor.

Cola and Rum. Evenings in hostel (:

Starbuck's mug... another evening in hostel :P

With Kala.

Somewhere... Berlin Lichtenberg I think.

Dream Team ;D

A portrait by Ciko.

Miss and mister sporty.

Part 2.

Near Sony Center.

Models.

Pink is my new obsession.

Starbucks.

:)

I was writing yet another sms to my favorite person right now ha ha not telling you who that person is :D

Dunkin Donuts with Lila.

Another portrait by Ciko. Przychlast is my second name ;D

Berlin... ich liebe dich!

:D

Pretending.

Yet another one...

Walk.

Such a rainy day!

Catching Lila! ;D

(: Lila aka Unicorn. One of my favorite people.

With Kala. I love her too.

I have no idea what I was doing on this picture ;D

:)

That was really cool.

My friends. I love them :D

Ciko... (:

Sony Center.

Kinemathek or at least a piece of it :P

Spiderman.

Playground ;D

We don't wanna grow old :)

:D

:D

Somewhere in Berlin.

Catching the sun.

SUN!

Haaaaaalooooooooooo!

Joy.

Do it twilight style!

In the bathtub ;D

Walk.

Voicst.

Voicst.

Przychlasty are waiting for Florence :D

Florence did it twilight style!

My fave picture... see how close I was? :D

Flo-flo-floreeeeeeeeence.

;D

xDDDDDDD

Kamil with the tracklist :D

And so this is all... Sorry for all the pictures, but really... this is something amazing for me and I would lie if I said it was just fine.
It was amazing. And I am finally happy again.

You can also check the videos on youtube. I will post them tonight... so here's the link. But check it later. Right now I am in progress of uploading :)

So yeah. This is it... I am planning another trip :)

:D

2009-09-29T21:46:06Z

So... we are officially going to Berlin to see Florence and the Machine live on stage.
In the meantime I took some time to be a model for my friend... yes...
Some pics can be find

the end of fugly me :)

Chilly.

2009-09-23T20:49:45Z

Ladies and gentlemen - miss Monika is having an interview in one of the best radiostations in Poland.
Keep your fingers crossed! The job is mine in 90%.

And yes, I am fine now. Not going to regret a thing.

Cold.

2009-09-20T19:59:24Z

We finally got a name for our radio!
Cold.fm.
Keep your fingers crossed.
And think of a good liner for it! All the ideas will be taken under consideration.
So... DO YOUR BEST! xD

I don't wanna grow old (:

2009-09-18T20:44:09Z

I do a lot of things lately. I took some advices and I decided to take care of myself. I went to see the doctor and I do have some sort of a bump and it is kinda serious, but nothing they can't manage. But still, I am scared. I do have the right to be so, right?
Anyway - thanks to coffee_mill I look at some things differently. She made me see something inside all this mess I wouldn't see myslef for a very long time. So thank you.
I know I've been terrible to everyone this week, but I apologized to everyone and they understood and they are with me. I am talking about those many people I have around me.
Some new plans, some new projects. Recording new demo as I am going to get back on the radio. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.
And, believe me - I died, but I've never been so alive. How come that's possible?

Where am I?

2009-09-15T19:28:09Z

I think I am cought up in a nightmare. And at the same time I know this is not a dream. Not at all.
Someone I knew for six years, my best friend, just finished our acquaintance. And it happend so fast and so quickly! Sure, I know there was a reason for a huge fight. But not for something like that.
I apologized, told her I know I did wrong and asked for a second chance coz I want to change myself. She never responded to that. I guess she didn't read what I wrote [yes, wrote, because she wouldn't pick up the phone].
Guess everybody deserves the second chance but not me.
She told me I was never her friend. She told me she's erasing me from her life. And so she did.
I'm just surprised how easy it was for her. OK, maybe it wasn't, but I'm saying this as a person, who cares about the people the most, and the rest is behind it all.
We had a lot of good memories together. A lot of fantastic days and trips. And she erased it just like that.
I didn't get a chance to explain. And I thought we were adults.
I just hope that whatever she's doing now, that she is actually happy. And that this decision is really the best she could make.
Otherwise my bad mood and overall existence are now shitty for nothing.
I can't understand it. I know I messed up and I wanted to make it right. I just didn't get a chance. Why? I don't know.
Last year, when she asked me for help in changing herself, I was there for her. This year, when it is me, I didn't get what I needed.
I feel bad. I do. I don't know when and if I will be fine. I don't heal too well.
I know that what I did was partially caused by nerves and fear as before it all happened I found a bump, a tumour on my breast. And since I am in cancer's high risk group I got scared as hell.
I didn't want to tell her that that evening as she was out at her friends place and I didn't want to ruin her fun. As it happened I ruined it all. Yeah, back then I thought we will fight, really hard, but that she will let me explain.
And now I am alone. My best friend left me.
I have other friends. But it is not the same. It will never be. No one knew me better than her. And that's why it hurts so much. Who will write me stupid txt msgs that sometimes made me laugh so hard? Who will tell me stories and give links to great websites?
I lost more than one would think.\
And I am not OK. And I won't be.
And, believe me, if one day she'd like to reactivate our acquaintance or, I don't know, tomorrow she would say something and gave me a chance... I would take it. But she won't. And that what hurts the most.
I died.

I'm a cartoon, a big joke, thank you very much.

2009-09-10T19:06:14Z

I got to the point where more questions are asked than answers given.
I got to the point where I am trying to get everything together, solve the puzzles and not get lost in the meantime.
I feel like I'm on a crossroad. One way or another. Like this is my time to take fate in my own hands. And to top it all - I want things I never wanted before. Like someone switched something in my head or in my heart and my desires suddenly changed.
I'm in a twist of unsureness and anticipation. And if only I knew a few things are the way they are supposed to be, I would change my life right in this moment.
But I guess that I will never know. And that's because I'm a coward and I'm also afraid to ask certain questions. Or one question to be exact.
I'm afraid that I will get hurt and I don't know if I can take that. Right now I think I can't. So yeah, go me.
Instead of solving problems I already have I am creating new ones. Life.

More updates on my life: I cut my hair and right now I look like a fucking cartoon again. And like I'm thirteen years old. At least that's someone told me.
Pics? Sure. Some of them I have

Yep. That's me right now...

I am blah blah blah and bleh bleh bleh.

2009-09-09T20:18:31Z

Confused right now.
Relationships are not something I am good at. Shit.
Need to rethink some things. Need to take a break.
Going everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Being emotionally stupid is so me!
Need a new start, a new beginning.
Gotta go.

I feel like love is in the kitchen with a culinary eye.

2009-09-01T20:28:07Z

Two more days at work and I will be off to Warsaw. Our plans changed a little and well, I had to find myself a new accommodation for Thursday night. I will be staying with Krystian weather he likes it or not.

Listening to Interpol again. I love them.

And once again I have muffins desire. Oh no!

xD

2009-08-28T23:03:43Z

Ciko is coming to Sopot. To Binoland. How cool is that:?

Ha he hi ho hu hy.

2009-08-27T18:58:58Z

Some of the things I've said or done should be locked in a trunk and burried deep underground. Or in the deep sea. Or killed in the best way possible. Not that I regret them, because that's not the point. The point is I've said and done those things to prove I'm right and better than most people think I am.
And, to be quite honest with you, I think that it was all for the better. I've won my battles and I keep going on. I'm gonna do whatever I want and not care about society's prejudices. That's just not me.

Today I met with my future boss to polish the details and we agreed in some matters. Like i.e. my future car will be red. Ha ha. OK, some more important matters were discussed as well. But that's private for now and totally confident. Until I will leave my current job that is.

And I know I've been talking about one thing since I came back to LJ, but that's the most important part of my life now. I need to clear my head and find some solutions. I need to tell my present boss, whom I really like as she's cool etc. that I will be leaving. And I don't know how to do that. If I didn't like her it would be so much easier. But right now it is hard. Any ideas? And I cannot tell her about where I will be working soon. Another complication. Damn!

Off. Off. Off.

Hooray for me and fuck you.

2009-08-26T21:11:48Z

Sometimes when I look at my life I feel like there can't be anything more. But at the same time I know there's a whole lot waiting for me.
Like new job.
Today I called Karol and told him I'm accepting his offer. Finally I will be moving on, doing somehow what I always wanted. Maybe not in the branch I am destined for, but that's always the beginning.
Boss of my own time. Of my own plans. Company car and company mobile. New possibilities and big money.
I never thought I will get a chance like that, but right now I can be anything else than happy. I am making a career. Literally - career. Business one. And I still believe this will help me make my dreams come true. Money is needed to make them happen and I am going to earn then one way or the other.
I also never had thought that I will ever work in a banking. I never believed how much those people earned. And I am not talking about the post I am occupying now - because right now I don't earn that much.
But I happen to be succesful in what I am doing and some people noticed it and that's why I got this new, awesome offer I am going to take.
So yeah, sometimes life can really surprise us. I am still kind of shocked, but it's all good.
I still believe than one day I will be finally doing what I really want to do. And just simply be happy.
That's it.
Music will lead me through it all. Like always. A lot of answers there. More questions though. But it's all fine, just fine.
And I will be fine too.
After every storm eventually a rainbow appears.

Too late.

2009-08-25T20:58:43Z

As you can all see I gave a new header :D big thx goes to only21grams :D thank you, thank you, thank you! This is a cartoon side of me, because if you don't remember, I am a cartoon!
Anyway - weekend is closer with every hour. At least I tell myself so, because if I wouldn't, then I would die.
That's pretty much all.
I am too tired [again] to write something proper. Just wait until saturday...
Oh, I feel like baking muffins.

The stars, the moon...

2009-08-24T21:56:31Z

Mondays are somehow the prediction of what will follow later. So today was calm and I hope it will be like that until the end.
Gotta buy myself a ticket to Warsaw. Yeah. Sept the 3rd I will be on my way there.
And as for now I am tired. Going to write more tomorrow as I feel the need to share some crap with you.

Making choices.

2009-08-23T19:09:06Z

So I decided to get back here. It took me a while to figure some things out and, to be completly honest, those were things I did not want to take out in public. Just because those were way to privaye and painful things.
But right now everything's back to normal. Not to where it has been before, because some things had changed, but it's fine.
I guess we all need a break, a time out to sort shit out. And I took my time and here I am, ready to share my part of insanity and madness with you.
My crazy mind is peaceful again. Maybe because there are new options and because I am sure that one day I am going to make my dreams come true?
Maybe. Too many maybes there are, but finally I don't care. Not that much anyway.
On the 20th of August a year passed since I got involved in some sort of a relationship with one guy. Yeah, I know how it sounds, especially since the relationship is kinda weird, but whatever. I am just surprised it lasted that long and, well, is still lasting.
So there. Nothing else to add.
In order to keep you informed - I got a new job offer. I am going to take it by the end of the year. At least that's my plan. What will come out of it? We'll see.
As for now I am planning a trip to Berlin to see Florence and the Machine live on stage. Woo hoo!

Back of my mind.

2009-04-29T21:47:57Z

I am tired and pissed to the limit. Again. And I don't want to talk about it. So I won't.
And because Lev is coming in more less 17 hours I am not going to bitch here about my problems etc. I will kill her with my whining and bitching tomorrow. She will have all this LIVE.
I am off.

We dance, we dance, we play, we rant and rave.

2009-04-28T21:57:02Z

There's a thousand words that I could write to make it all look a bit better. But I won't as I know where I am heading. So since there is nothing left to lose, nothing left to say, what am I gonna do here?
Well, obviously, I'm going to take control over the world. Woo hoo. Two more days of boring work, thankyouverymuch. And then I will die of happiness, that everything is over.
And I didn't get my teeth extracted, because people are stupid. The end.

Some things will never change.

2009-04-27T21:55:14Z

So today I got back to work. For four days, but still. And it was fine. I did nothing. I just had to clean my desk. And when I did that I was almost free. I was wandering around the building and chatting with everyone.
It was kinda nice.
And right now I have a dilemma - to extract the fours, or not to extract the fours. That is the question. And I think I am off. Buh-bye.

I would like to share...

2009-04-26T20:07:10Z

... some of my fave music with you. They didn't have all the songs I wanted you guys to know I like, but here's the brief preview. So, yeah. Basically that's all I wanted to tell you today. And oooh - SPN - love the dead bro drama! Seriosuly, that was like WTF? But also awesome. And of course Dean, who was hilarious! One love.
And below is my lovely playlist :)

playlist created with playlist.com

What could you possibly like in me?

2009-04-25T21:35:07Z

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Your in-depth results are:

Hufflepuff - 15
Ravenclaw - 11
Gryffindor - 10
Slytherin - 7

See, I always told you there is something Hufflepuffy with me. Yay.
And because I am too tired to write anything else - good night and good fuck.

P.S. Lev owes me a vision.

Let me just be clear.

2009-04-24T20:10:25Z

No one promised me that after I will come to this world to live my life, that it will be easy and pleasant. No one told me anything, actually. I was born and raised and people used to say that a child is a miracle, because it's a new life and all that crap. But no one ever gave me a choice if I really want to be born. So that's unfair. I am too scared to kill myself yet I am terrified of living this life because it is hard and recently it's more complicated and screwed than ever.
So there.
You can say that I don't appreciate what I have, but I don't care. Right now I just want all my problems to drift away. Yes, I know - I am unthankful bitch who thinks that her universe is the most important in the world. And you're right.
Because it is the most important in my world and sometimes I need to be a bit egoistic too. That's my right and I know I am being selfish right now. W H A T E V E R.
All I know that Lev will be here soon and I am waiting for all the things she promised me. And no, those are NOT material things.
The end.

Can't rewind.

2009-04-23T20:20:57Z

The more I think and wonder about some matters the less I know and am sure of anything. And when I wrote it, it sound evev worse. Hmm.
I wish I had answers to certain questions.
And I need to get up earlier. But I just can't force myself. So there. I need someone to force me to get up earlier, like 9 a.m. the latest.
Besie that I'd like new icons - txt icons or some random graphic ones, but no actors or singers or any famous ppl.
So if you have something you think would suit me and my LJ - post it in the comment section :D and I will consider weather to use it or not.
That would be all for today. Thank you for your attention!

P.S. I bought wedding lingerie. It is awesome ha ha.

But the fact that I was angry and scared, that was my secret to keep. They didn’t get to have that, too. It was all mine.

There are no words for that.

2009-04-22T22:09:41Z

Today was boring. Evening was better because I met with my friend, Monika K., whom I worked with at the travel agency. We always got along pretty well, and today was just as good old days. We talked, we laughed, drank beer and had fun in general. Monika is getting married in June and fortunatelly her fiance is cool and we all accepted him.
And I don't know. All I know is that I want my dream to come true. Make it come true, please!
Also - thank you coolfrog for another postcard. I love it! And I love the fact that I know where to ship some crap ;D Yay!
Bina is off.